@lisaxy424: When the party host collects everyone's coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
@Pirate_nurse: Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner
@GimpySunshine: ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(
@VeganZebra: *walks into IT department attempting to look cool* You guys torrent any emails lately?