When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
accurate
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Sorry. Not sorry
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he