@lisaxy424: When the party host collects everyone's coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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@JeremyKCMO: Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
@AimeeHelene1: Me: Yes, I'd like the Mexican massage. Masseuse: The what? Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream* Masseuse: Me: Let's go, chop chop.
@derekblackmon: I don't mean to sound like a hypochondriac but I was diagnosed with the flu today & I feel like it's been coming on for a few years now.
@calvinstowell: Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.