@lisaxy424: When the party host collects everyone's coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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@murrman5: if you come out with us you can't lie about making your own soup "those days are behind me" [girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
@XplodingUnicorn: I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
@rorynotroy: You can just lean against anything, look down at your phone and toggle between your 1st and 2nd page of apps and you’ll look pretty popular.
@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?