Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
the #horror is real!
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Awesome parenting 😂
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians