I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.