@Douchekevin: When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.
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@BubblesnBooze: My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
@neiltyson: Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you're in zero gravity, you don't need seats
@shariv67: When villainy didn't pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.