*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Anyone want a chair?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“and how does that make you feel?”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god