When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
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When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.