[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.