I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
much to think about
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.