@TheTweetOfGod: When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
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@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
@TheTalkingPipe: My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I'm saying is, "welcome to idiom club". Now, let's cut to the chase.
@ericsshadow: [at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
@RuinMyWeek: If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.