Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
You Might Also Like
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?