*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.