@Mikecanrant: When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put "lame shorts" and nothing happened
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@iwearaonesie: girlfriend asks you to get wine: You're getting laid wife asks you to get wine: You're getting yelled at
@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
@maughammom: Me: "Want a banana?" 3yo: "Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."
@envydatropic: How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies? Me looking at your eyebrows