all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
This squirrel eats better than I do
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’