Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
this is funnier than any friends episode