[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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