How long do you have to wait between naps?
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The glory of fall.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)