[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”