When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
two people or more is called a problem
Birds & Planes.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down