i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
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Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Breaking news:
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.