when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Noted.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*