@weinerdog4life: When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
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@hazelmotes1: Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.
@TitansHomer: Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing?? What about that really cool hashtag we made? They didn't free them when they saw it??
@BackrowSeats: If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.
@TheDailySchmuck: 1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge. 2016: *watching cat videos*