@weinerdog4life: When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
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@david8hughes: [me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
@StaceyShortcake: Accidentally sent a guy a ;) instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
@okimstillhungry: Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I'm tired Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I'm tired and I'm late for work
@NinjaSweatpants: Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food