When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
This anagram machine is out of order.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom