@weinerdog4life: When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
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@TwatWaffler69: Wife: "they're disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!" Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?
@AnOrangeSNES: "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
@MinouChatte: [At funeral]: He always gave 100%. He probably shouldn't have donated that much blood though
@mcclure111: Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft