When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*