When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*