Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
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[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.