“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I came this close!!!!
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.