@TGIJeff: When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water
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@_blotty: [ocean's 11 music] So here's the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it's a cash playground boys
@mattZillaaaa: Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I'm like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
@ClearlyUnwell: I've just realised that I've got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
@AndyAsAdjective: GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II ME: I've had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya