@TGIJeff: When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water
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@wizdom: A real boyfriend will blow up his girl's phone when she's mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she'll see his effort.
@XplodingUnicorn: My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk. Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
@DomBorrett: I can't wait to find out who's playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
@Scigglez: Using the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," only shows that you're unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.