I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
you stereotypes are all alike
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”