When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
You Might Also Like
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*