When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count馃槀
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
yeah I鈥檓 excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I told her, no I don鈥檛 want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII鈥h okay
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.