When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
You Might Also Like
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude