When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.