When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
thank god the sign was there