When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Merica.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”