@beefman138: When they told you to 'seek attention', they meant 'medical', not 'internet', psychopath.
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@Chumpstring: BARTENDER: taste this beer ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can't even BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it ME: hmm... yeah that explains it
@LuvPug: I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn't recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
@Kyle_Lippert: The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said "Flawless Victory!"
@ArfMeasures: ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I've ever travelled on BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress