When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager