When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Lol #dogsoftwitter