When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
i- i did not expect this
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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