When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
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REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My beach vacation Google searches
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup