@trevso_electric: When two girls hate each other, they say "we should DEFINITELY hang out" and then take turns shouting "definitely!" until one of them dies.
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@truegritrumble: ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
@briancthayer: [food naming committee] ... Ok. Cow? - Beef Ground up? - Burger Great. Pig? - Pork Baked & sliced? - Ham Super! Deer? - Venison Fish? - Fish
@WritePlay: *burglar breaks in* *i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture* Burglar: No I have a double chin! Me: I'll post it
@FatherWithTwins: My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we'll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.