When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too