When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
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Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
wut hotdog?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.