When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
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[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
BRAKING NEWS!!
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank