when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”