when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.