When ur friends with white people
You Might Also Like
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
A man of commitment.
I mean…but I did
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.