*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The internet is magic sometimes.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.