@desusnice: when ur hate is strong but your bladder's weak
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@causticbob: In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov "will be ruthlessly hunted down." He added, "It's cheaper than paying them"
@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed? Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.