[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap