Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You are what you delete.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.