Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
You Might Also Like
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell