Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
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Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.