@KevinFarzad: When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly
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@KeetPotato: wife: "remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?" me: [making cup of tea] "no im not" burglar: "two sugars please"
@AndRyanTF: I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me
@SequelsWeWant: Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
@PressOneForNo: When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off