When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
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I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable