@Manda_like_wine: When Wall-E first came out I was like "'what a profound statement" and now, a few years older, I'm like "gimme one of those sick chairs."
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@causticbob: Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street. Drunk people still think there's a sniper somewhere.
@JamieGreenlees: My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park :(
@daemonic3: [CSI at Starbucks] "Ma'am you've been robbed. Suspect is at large." Barista: At what? "At large" At what? "At venti?" OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
@OutOnTheMoors: Pro Tip: If you're on a fishing boat and someone calls you Chum, they're probably not being friendly.