When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.