@Jessthesav: When #WasteHisTime2016 backfires on you
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@turtledumplin: Boss left his email open. Me: *looks around, send email to district manager "i love you" Now we wait
@ReeseButCallMeV: Drugs made me responsible. If it weren't for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
@pleatedjeans: [approaches cute girl in library] Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you're Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
@Tommytoughstuff: IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion. PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER! IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.