@Jessthesav: When #WasteHisTime2016 backfires on you
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@KeetPotato: [babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" wtf "woah wait its back on again" no way "great he's stole my nose now" im phoning the police
@BobTheSuit: *gets email* -Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?- *responds* "Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?"
@DurtMcHurtt: [meeting girlfriend at the park] Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic! Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.