I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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I needed a laugh this morning.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”