10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Plumber: I think I found the problem
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore