@Breadery: When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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@SatansTongue: (Macbeth and lady Macbeth) "I killed King Duncan" Macbeth wtf!! "You told me to!!" I didn't think you'd do it omg lmao savage
@SpencerLenox: A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee with ring box] GF: OMG! Me: Babe? GF: Yes? Me: One ring to rule them all. [I put on the ring and vanish forever]
@QwertyJones3: [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time] "They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb."