When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Dead sexy!!
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more