@Breadery: When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this
@JMScomedy: If you think I'm flirting with you, I'm just being friendly. If you think I'm weird and I make you uncomfortable, I'm flirting with you.